


The Things We Left Behind

by 70sBabe



Category: Gilmore Girls
Genre: F/M, Literati, angsty Jess, angsty Rory, another list fic, i love my children, they're literal soulmates
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-19
Updated: 2018-03-14
Packaged: 2019-03-21 10:42:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 10,407
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13739184
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/70sBabe/pseuds/70sBabe
Summary: just because you leave doesn't mean you're gone





	1. Shakespeare's Sonnets

Jess was gone. Rory had known it for awhile now, had had time to get used to the fact that he was gone and he didn’t appear to be coming back anytime soon. Didn’t mean it was painless. Didn’t mean her stomach didn’t drop every time she was faced with another reminder of him.

Her mom had done a pretty good job of erasing all traces of the hated Jess from Rory’s room. The pictures she had taped to her mirror, the CDs he had lent her, the scribbled notes he had left that she had kept in a desk drawer, no matter how trivial the subject matter. She had skipped over the bookshelves, though, and Rory could understand why. It would have been too hard to pick and choose which ones were Rory’s, which ones were Jess’, which ones were borrowed and bought and given. Rory knew, though, and that’s how she ended up spending an entire Saturday afternoon staring at a battered copy of Shakespeare’s Sonnets that was resting on her dresser.

Jess had tossed it to her over the diner counter a few weeks ago.

“I’ve already read these,” Rory tried to pass it back to him, but he just crossed his arms.

“Ah, but not with my added commentary,” he smirked. “Which, some might say, is more insightful and mind-altering than the sonnets themselves.”

“You think awfully highly of yourself, don’t you?” Rory set the book down next to her coffee cup, a smile on her face. Jess, for all of his faults, was one of the few people that could put a big, genuine smile on her face.

“Someone’s got to,” he leaned across the counter, pressing a quick kiss on her lips before hustling off to refill some more coffee cups.

Rory had carried it home, setting it on her dresser with intentions to read through it next week. She had forgotten about it; until now, that is.

 _This is ridiculous,_ she shook her head slightly, trying to clear her mind _. I mean, it’s just a book, right? I should just….pick it up and throw it out_ . Rory slapped her hand to her forehead, groaning.   _No, I can’t throw it out, it’s a book, I can’t throw a book away! And he wrote notes in it, I can’t just throw those away, either!_

She got up from her bed, standing next to the dresser and looking down at the book’s cover. It was small (Jess preferred pocket-size editions, for obvious reasons) and navy blue, the corners soft and crumbly from use. Rory longed to pick it up. She had this crazy flash of a dream, where she picked it up and rifled through the pages and then Jess would appear at her bedroom door, a devilish grin on his face and a “So, Gilmore, whaddaya think?”

But he wasn’t coming back. He left this stupid book here, just as easily as he had left her. _Like I was nothing_ , Rory thought suddenly. _He threw me away like I was just some stupid book!_

Before she realized what she was doing, Rory had snatched the book off the dresser and threw it with all her might at the opposite wall. Since it was a paperback, it didn’t make the resounding thump that she had been hoping for, but she had thrown it hard enough to make the pictures on her wall rattle and shake.

Something had broken the dam in her and Rory suddenly felt like she was drowning in her sadness. She slowly slid onto the floor, hugging her knees to her chest as her shoulders shook with sobs.

_I was just a stupid book. Something to use up and throw away. He didn’t care at all and I was so stupid to think that he did._

She squeezed her eyes shut, trying to catch her breath and stop her tears. _It’s not worth it. He’s not worth it. I’m stronger than this_.

After a few minutes, she slowly got to her feet, harshly skidding the palms of her hands across her cheeks, trying to scrub away the tears. She picked up the much-abused book and let it fall open to a random page.

 

_Sonnet 29_

_When in disgrace with fortune and men’s eyes_

_I all alone beweep my outcast state,_

_And trouble deaf heav'n with my bootless cries,_

_And look upon myself, and curse my fate,_

_Wishing me like to one more rich in hope,_

_Featured like him, like him with friends possessed,_

_Desiring this man’s art, and that man’s scope,_

_With what I most enjoy contented least;_

_Yet in these thoughts myself almost despising,_

_Haply I think on thee, and then my state,_

_Like to the lark at break of day arising_

_From sullen earth, sings hymns at heaven’s gate._

_For thy sweet love remembered such wealth brings_

_That then I scorn to change my state with kings._

 

Jess had written “almost feels like he wrote this one just for me” in the margin.

Rory closed the book and set it back on top of her dresser. She had decided: she would not get rid of this book. They had both been abandoned by Jess. They needed to stick together.


	2. Peppermints

Everything you’ve heard about Venice Beach is true. The hippies, the roller-skating girls in bikinis, the carnival atmosphere; it was all that and more. Anyone else would have easily been swept up in the bright lights and loud cheers and the crash of waves on the shore. Not Jess, though. In his eyes, everything was muted and colorless. Everything except the sky. Same color blue as her eyes.

He had taken to wandering the boardwalk everyday, finding new book stores, new taco stands, new distractions. He couldn’t stay still for too long or let his mind wander because it would inevitably come back to Rory.

He missed her; so much, sometimes, that every bone in his body ached with regret. When he hurt all over like that, he would find the nearest payphone and dial the number he knew by heart. Every time he heard her say “Hello?” he was sure that this time he would say something, this time they would talk and things would be okay. But he never did. He couldn’t do it. I mean, where would he ever begin? What if she hung up as soon as she heard his voice?

He had resolved to try and stop calling her. He was never gonna say anything; all he was doing was torturing himself with what could have been.

So, he wandered. Tolkien might have said “Not all who wander are lost,” but Jess Mariano was as lost as a person could be, in the metaphorical and spiritual sense of the word.

As he passed the merry-go-round, he shoved his hands in his pockets and was met with a crinkling noise.  _ What the hell? _

Jess drew his hand out and found….three peppermints. He felt like he had been punched in the stomach.Rory loved peppermints. She had a jar of them on her desk and Jess had often teased her about it, calling her “Grandma Gilmore.”

“They’re good!” she would argue earnestly. “And they make your breath smell good! You of all people should appreciate that.” They had both laughed and then Jess had kissed her and he had sort of thought that would be the end of the great peppermint debate. He was wrong.

Rory started leaving peppermints everywhere; on his bedside table, in the change drawer of the diner’s cash register, under his pillow. It was like he was dating Willy Wonka.

“Ever think she’s trying to tell you you got bad breath?” Luke had chuckled after watching Jess flip one of his sneakers upside down, two peppermints bouncing out.

In a way, it made perfect sense that Rory was such a nutjob for the things. Peppermints were a classic, an all-American type candy, the kind of candy a responsible person would buy to keep in a bowl by the door at their house. Mom candy. Grandma candy. Very Rory Gilmore.

Jess was a good sport about the peppermint war; one day he had presented her with a bouquet of peppermint sticks and even Lorelai had laughed out loud. The running gag was one of the few light and breezy things about their relationship, a joke that made him remember that he was a kid, that he was allowed to enjoy things in a non-cynical way.

So, when he looked down at that handful of peppermints, the sounds of Venice Beach faded away and all he could think was “Rory.”

_ This has gotta be a sign, right? _ He thought as he walked to the payphone next to the sunglass kiosk with the giant sun wearing sunglasses painted on it.  _ I mean, this is fate or the universe or whatever, telling me to talk to her! I’m gonna do it, I’m gonna make it right, and I’m gonna go back to Stars Hollow with my duffel filled with peppermints _ .

He shoved a few quarters in the slot and quickly dialed Rory’s number. His heart was thumping loudly and he could feel his palms getting slick with sweat. He hated that he was nervous to talk to her. I mean, the one person he had ever made a meaningful connection with, and now he was afraid to talk to her.

“Hello?”

Jess froze.  _ This was a terrible idea, this was a terrible idea, this was a terrible idea _ .

“Hello?” she repeated.

Jess slammed the phone back on the hook, breathing heavily. What had he been thinking, calling her again? He had to let this go, had to shake it off. But then he looked down at the peppermints in his hand and, God help him, he called again.

“Hello?”

He swallowed hard.

“Hello?”

_ She’s gonna hang up again. She’s gonna hang up because I’m too much of a pussy to even say “Hey, what’s up?” _

But she didn’t. Jess could hear people talking in the background, the clatter of footsteps on pavement, and then silence.  _ She must’ve gone inside _ .

“Jess? Is that you?”

Jess’ heart was beating so fast, he was sure he was about two seconds away from going into cardiac arrest.  _ How did she know? How did she always know? _

“Jess, I’m pretty sure it’s you, and I’m pretty sure you’ve been calling and not saying anything but want to say something…..hello?”

He was paralyzed. He had forgotten every word he’d ever known. There was nothing but him and her and this telephone in his hand.

“You’re not going to talk? Fine. I’ll talk.” She sounded angry and Jess could hear her take a deep breath. “You didn’t handle things right. At all. You could’ve talked to me, you could’ve told me you were having trouble in school and weren’t going to graduate and that your dad had been there but….you didn’t. And you ended up not taking me to my prom and not coming to my graduation and leaving again, without saying goodbye  _ again  _ and….that’s fine, I get it. But that’s it for me. I’m going to Europe tomorrow and then I’m going to Yale and I’m moving on. And I’m not going to pine. I hope you didn’t think I was going to pine, okay? I think….”

She had trailed off, giving Jess a chance to catch his breath after that little rendition of his latest, greatest faults. That familiar, bone-aching pain was weighing down heavily on him.

“I think I may have loved you, but…..I just need to….let it go.”

Jess closed his eyes, fist clenching tightly around the phone. He had longed to hear those words from her, but now they were out here, floating in the air between them, and it wasn’t anything like what he had thought it would be. He had expected those words, from this girl, to give him relief. Peace. Happiness. Instead, he just felt his heart breaking into a million pieces.

“So….that’s it, I guess.” Her voice was shaking and Jess knew she was probably on the verge of tears. “Um, I hope you’re good, I want you to be good, and um, okay so, goodbye.” She paused again. “That word sounds really lame and stupid right now, but there it is. Goodbye.”

Jess’ ears were filled with the low drone of the dial tone. She was gone.

He slowly set the phone back on the cradle and started walking back up the boardwalk. He was numb. It was really over between them now; he couldn’t do anything to make it right.

He looked down and saw that he still had the peppermints in his hand. He put them back in his pocket. Rory might be letting it all go, but Jess needed to hold on just a little bit longer.


	3. Jacket

Rory had been pretty sure she and her mom had gotten rid of all Jess-related material before they had left for Europe. Heck, most of it had been gone within a week of him leaving. So, as she started packing all her clothes for college, she was surprised to see one of his old hoodies hanging on the back of her wardrobe door. 

It was navy blue and too big for Rory and there was a weird bleach stain on the back, but Rory had loved it. She usually slept in it, but sometimes she would wear it around town, her mom’s teasing jokes ringing in her ears. Rory didn’t care. Wearing his jacket was like wearing Jess’ heart on her own sleeve. It was tangible proof that he cared. Sometimes, she needed that tangible proof.

She slowly pulled the hoodie off the hook it was on. It was still just as soft as she remembered. She had to restrain herself from burying her face in it to see if it still smelled like him, like old paper and coffee and Luke’s hamburgers and the faintest hint of cigarette smoke. It would have been too painful, would have brought back too many memories of nights in his arms and days with him by her side.  

“I love when it starts getting cold out,” Rory had sighed happily, rubbing some warmth into her upper arms. “My mom says it’ll snow any day now; she can smell it, you know.”

“Part bloodhound?” Jess grinned, putting his arm around Rory’s shoulders and drawing her closer to him.

“We think so.” Rory said solemnly, then giggled. God, she loved joking around with Jess like this. It was, at the risk of sounding a little insane, like talking to her mom. As much as Lorelai and Jess clashed, Rory had always seen them as more alike than different. They were both witty and sarcastic, peppering their phrases with obscure references to movies and books. They both enjoyed bucking expectations and traditions, preferring to blaze their own trail in this world. Rory was pretty sure that all these common traits were what caused the friction between them, but she would never dare bring it up to either one of them. Both would take great offense to being compared to the other. Yet another similarity.

“Look, you can even see your breath!” Rory said excitedly. “You know, when I was a little kid, I used to blow really hard so it looked like smoke and my mom would call me Puff the Magic Dragon.”

“Yeah, me and my friends used to pretend we were smoking cigarettes.” Jess chuckled. “Not quite as wholesome.”

Rory shivered a little as the wind picked up. Jess was walking her home from the Black, White, and Read movie theater (they were playing  _ Gilda _ ) and Rory was wishing she had brought a heavier jacket.

She crossed her arms tightly over her chest, glad that they were only about two minutes from home, when she felt something being draped over her shoulders.

“Jess-”

“Take it,” he waved away her protest. “You’re cold, I’m a gentleman; it’s what the situation calls for.”

“A gentleman, huh?” Rory snickered, pushing her arms through the baggy sleeves and zipping it up against the cold wind.

“Yeah, a gentleman.” Jess stopped walking, put an arm around her waist, and slowly tugged her closer. “Got a problem with it?” He was smiling in that way that he did only for her; a real smile, one that wasn’t laced with bitterness or mockery. Rory loved seeing him smile like that.

“Nope, no problem at all,” she smiled back, before kissing him softly, her hands tangling in his hair. They carried on like that for about a minute before breaking apart.

“Well, that’s one way to warm up,” Jess smirked.

When they finally arrived at the Gilmore abode, Jess kissed her goodnight and then headed back to the diner. He was already halfway down the street before Rory realized she still had his jacket.

Like any girl would, she kept it. She was pretty sure that had been what Jess had intended all along. Every time he saw her in it, he would smile his real, just-for-Rory smile and Rory was sure that she had never felt this way about a boy before.

And now, here she was, clutching an old, faded hoodie to her chest, remembering a boy who had forgotten her. It didn’t seem fair; that he should get to leave and go somewhere new, a place where the streets didn’t call his name, where their moments together weren’t carved into the pavement they had trod upon.  _ He won’t be at Yale _ , Rory reminded herself.  _ Nothing there will remind me of him _ .

Even though that thought should have made her feel relieved, Rory felt a pang of sadness. Did she really want the streets to be silent, the pavement wiped clean?

She folded up the hoodie and placed it in her suitcase. It might hurt to remember, but forgetting? That would be unbearable.


	4. Photo

Jess had adjusted somewhat to the sun and surf of Venice Beach. He had come to genuinely love the sound of the waves pounding on the shore; the screeching tourists, he could do without. He had found a bench at the very end of the pier, right up against the last railing before you hit ocean, and that had become his favorite spot to read. 

He had done a tour of literature’s tragic love stories this summer; a glutton for punishment, some might say.  _ Anna Karenina, Love in the Time of Cholera, Wuthering Heights, Tristan and Isolde _ , even  _ A Walk to Remember _ , for God’s sake! Jess read them all while facing the neverending blue of the Pacific Ocean. But summer was quickly drawing to a close and Jess intended to head back to the East coast in a couple of days. He was enjoying one last day on his bench, lost in  _ Pride and Prejudice _ . He’d read it before, but there was something he really liked about it and he enjoyed spending some quality time with Elizabeth Bennet and Mr. Darcy.

His concentration on the story was broken, however, when he flipped a page and was met with a photo. A slightly creased photo, like it had been crumpled up, then pressed flat in the pages of this book. A photo of him and Rory.  _ How did this get here? _ He thought incredulously, picking it up to make sure it was real. And suddenly, he remembered.

“So, Mom got some pictures developed this weekend and there’s one I really liked,” Rory had just plopped down at a stool at the diner’s counter, fresh off the Hartford bus and already rummaging in her backpack.

“Oh, God,” Jess groaned. Lorelai had been relentless with the digital camera, popping out from behind doors and trees, trying to get candid shots of everybody. “You know, I’m pretty sure that all the bursts of light from that stupid camera’s flash has done permanent damage to my retinas.”

“Hush,” Rory said, still digging through her backpack. With the amount of crap she stored in there, it was a wonder she could even stand up straight with it on. “Ooh, here it-” She stopped suddenly. “Aw man, it’s all squished!”

“A sign from God that you should carry less heavy objects in that bag of yours,” Jess replied, filling up a coffee cup for her.

Rory laid the photo down on the counter, running her hands over it to try and smooth it flat. “Here it is….kinda.” Rory furrowed her brow, obviously still disappointed over the damage to the picture. Jess leaned over to get a closer look at it.

It was one of the rare pictures Lorelai had taken that had  _ actually _ managed to be a candid. It was of him and Rory. They were sitting across from each other at the Gilmore kitchen table, textbooks and notes spread out between them. Rory’s head was thrown back in laughter and Jess was looking at her adoringly, a genuine smile on his face.

“Isn’t it great?” Rory looked up at Jess, a gleeful look on her face. Jess brought his hand to the back of her neck, drawing her close and kissing her softly.

“It’s fantastic,” he smiled, before picking the photo off the counter. “And hey, I know how to fix the whole ‘picture being squished under your giant books’ issue.” He opened the book he had been reading before Rory had arrived ( _ Pride and Prejudice _ ) and slipped the picture between the pages. “That should get it all flattened out,” he said with a satisfied smirk, quickly slamming the book shut.

“What would I do without you?” Rory grinned, pressing a kiss of her own against Jess’ lips.

_ Well, I guess she knows now _ , Jess thought bitterly, still studying the photo. The picture had only been taken about 5 months ago, but Jess felt light years away from the happy kid he had apparently once been, at least for a little while.

He was struck with the sudden wild urge to toss the picture into the ocean, to let his sorrow be carried away on the evening tide. He was sure Rory had done something to that effect with any other photos of the two of them, so why shouldn’t he?

But he couldn’t do it. It wasn’t even just that it was the only picture he had of Rory, or that it was the only proof he had that somewhere, at some point, they had been together. It was the way he looked in the photo. He had been happy,  _ really _ happy. Jess felt that, for that miracle alone, the picture was worth keeping around.

He slipped it back between the pages it had been stuck in for so long and closed the book. He was done reading for now. He was ready to go back home.  _ Home _ . When that word crossed his mind, Jess was startled to find that images of Stars Hollow and the apartment he had shared with Luke popped into his mind, instead of the New York City scenes he had always found so familiar. Was it possible he thought of Stars Hollow as home?  _ Gross _ .  _ I’ve been totally brainwashed by all the nutjobs in that town. _

Jess stood up, took one last look at the ocean and the bench that had been his constant companion that summer, and headed up the pier. It was time to go home; wherever that may be.  _ Who _ ever that may be. 


	5. Initials

Rory loved college, loved the way knowledge just seemed to float around in the air at Yale, loved how every surface had a history going back 100 years. But sometimes, you need to go somewhere where every surface has  _ your _ history, somewhere where love and family floats in the very air you breathe. For Rory, that place would always be Stars Hollow. 

She had just had lunch with Lorelai at Luke’s, the familiarity of it all just slightly overwhelming. It was strange; to be at college, to be “grown up,” but to play out a scene that had been staged since she was eight years old. She and her mom had done their usual bit, driving Luke crazy with ringing cell phones and complicated orders and 80s movie references, but Lorelai had had to go back to work, which left Rory on her own for the afternoon.

She walked slowly through the town square and past the high school, not entirely sure where she was going. She let her feet lead her down a familiar dirt road and then….the bridge. She should’ve known.

Rory wandered halfway down the bridge, sitting down on the edge and dangling her legs over the side, the way  _ he _ had done a million times. Jess had liked this bridge for some reason and Rory had often found him here reading, sneaking a cigarette, or just laying on his back, eyes closed against the sun.

She ran her fingers over the smooth wood, staring dreamily into the still water, when her fingers bumped over an unevenness on the plank. She looked down and inhaled sharply.  _ I forgot about this _ .  

She and Jess had been sitting on the bridge; well,  _ he _ was sitting. Rory was laying down, her head in his lap. They had planned on reading and soaking up the April sunshine, but the sun had made Rory drowsy, so now here they were: Rory, half-asleep, Jess running his fingers through her hair.

“I feel like someone should be feeding me grapes or something,” Rory mumbled, eyes closed. “I think that’s appropriate for the situation, don’t you?”

“Absolutely,” Jess snorted. “Do you wanna call Kirk, or should I?”

Rory gasped and quickly sat up, shooting Jess a horrified look. “I’ll be having nightmares for a week now, so thanks for that.”

“Happy to be of service.” Jess said, leaning back on his hands. They sat in companionable silence for a few minutes before Jess cocked his head and said “Hey, you know what’s weird?”

“What?”

“I never really see anyone else hang out here. I mean, people walk across it, sure, but you and me are the only people who spend time here.”

“Well,” Rory chuckled. “It’s a bridge. They’re not really known to be hotspots or anything.”

“Hey, this is a great bridge!”

“You sound like a weird old guy who gets strangely attached to a park bench.”

“Funnily enough, I can see that in my future.”

“I like that no one else comes here,” Rory leaned her head on Jess’ shoulder. “It’s our bridge, you know? It’s our place.”

“Yeah,” Jess said thoughtfully. “Yeah, it  _ is _ ours, isn’t it?” He started digging a hand through his pocket.

“Jess, what are you doing?” Rory sat up straight, curious to see what her impulsive, impossible-to-predict boyfriend was going to do next.

In response, Jess held up a pocket knife, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively.

“Jess, you can’t-”

“Hey, I’m just gonna make sure people know it’s our bridge!” Jess smiled slyly, already starting to carve into the wood planks holding them up.

“What if someone catches you?”

“Well, you’ll just have to be on lookout, won’t you?”

“Everyone warned me you’d turn me to a life of crime,” Rory grumbled, half-sure that she could already hear Taylor Doose going ballistic over the “property destruction.”

After a few minutes of Jess grunting and the sound of wood being hacked away, Jess finally said “There! Now it’s official.”

Rory looked down to see “JM+RG” carved in small letters in the space between them. Even though Rory opposed vandalism of any kind, she couldn’t help the butterflies in her stomach or the smile that spread across her face.

“I like it,” she said, mock-seriously. “Very compelling. I can see the Monet influences. Were you schooled in the Impressionist style of-”

Her art critic bit was cut off by Jess kissing her, both of them laughing like little kids.

Carving your initials into something was such a cliche, such an Archie-and-Betty-type thing. Rory wouldn’t have been surprised if Dean had carved their initials into every oak tree in town, but Jess? Mr. Too-Cool-For-School? It had been shocking then, and still shocking now. Much as he hated Stars Hollow, Jess Mariano had left his mark on the town: figuratively  _ and _ literally. Rory traced her fingers over the letters. Time had worn Jess’ hurried scratches smooth; it looked like it had been there forever.  _ It should have been forever _ .  _ We should have been forever. _


	6. Sticker

Jess didn’t know why he had come back to Stars Hollow. Sure, he needed his car, but did he  _ really _ ? It was a piece of crap, it didn’t even  _ run _ when the temperature dipped below 30 degrees, and the back windows refused to roll down. But it was his car and he had told Luke he would take responsibility for it and hey: what was more responsible than taking your piece-of-crap car off your uncle’s hands?

He had hoped to do a quick in-and-out, no awkward conversations, no unwanted sightings of….certain people. Of course, this wasn’t to be. The stupid car broke down about as soon as he had eased it onto the freeway. If that wasn’t enough, a couple of cops had shown up, claiming the car was stolen. Once Jess showed them the (expired) registration, they backed off a bit, but still insisted on bringing him and the car back to Stars Hollow for Luke to deal with.

Unsurprisingly, they started arguing as soon as the cop cars pulled away. If Jess had stepped back, had really  _ looked _ at the situation, he might have seen that Luke’s feelings were just as hurt as Jess’ were. They were more alike than they cared to admit; both wanted the other to apologize, but refused to make any apologies of their own. Jess started in on the disrepair of the car, Luke chastised him for not sending any sort of communication, and they both heaped insults on each other for what had transpired the previous spring. As much as Jess wanted to leave and get the hell out of this stupid town, he had missed this. He had missed Luke. They did a couple more rounds on Liz, family, and where Jess was gonna spend the night and Jess felt like he was holding his own quite nicely. Of course, the wind was quickly let out of his sails when Luke crossed his arms and said, “You stay away from her while you’re here.”

“Stay away from who?” Jess figured the best defense was cluelessness, even though no one had ever thrown that particular superlative his way. His persona didn’t exactly scream “oblivious.”

“You know who I mean.”

“Gee, you’re so cryptic.” Sarcasm laced every syllable Jess spoke, but it was masking a rising sense of panic. If Luke was warning him to stay away, then that meant Rory was here and not at school. Jess had been banking on her being away, hoping to pass through without even a glimpse of her.

“You’ve done all the damage there you’re gonna,” Luke said calmly, arms folded across his chest and Jess wanted to yell “ _ What about the damage she did? What about the things she blamed me for, the things I didn’t deserve? Why don’t I have just one goddamn person in my corner? _ ” 

Jess took a deep breath. “I’m here to get my car, and then I’m gone.” He turned around and walked toward the car, ready for this shitty night to be over.

“Where are you staying?”

“Back seat’s as comfortable as anywhere.” He called without turning around, wrenching the door open.

“Fine.”

And scene. He and Luke had always known how to put on a show, as evidenced by the patrons of the diner, who had had their faces pressed against the windows, watching every moment of the fight. They were now all rushing back to their tables, trying to pretend, for Luke’s sake, that they hadn’t been eavesdropping. This mental hospital of a town never changed, did it?

Jess slid into the backseat, sweeping old school papers and fast food wrappers onto the floorboards. It was weird, being back in his car. He felt like he had gone back in time and he didn’t like it one bit.  _ God, I’ll be glad to get the hell out of here _ . He laid down, wiggling a little to get comfortable and wishing he had a warmer jacket.  _ It’s just one night. I can do one night _ .

He squeezed his eyes shut, then opened them, staring at the roof of the car.  

“Oh, come on!” he groaned, slapping a hand to his forehead.  _ I’m never gonna get away from her, am I? _

On his car’s roof, in the space between the front and back seats, there was a large sticker. It was one of the ones that came out of those machines that were in the entrance to pizza places and ice cream parlors, the machines that no one ever really used. Except Rory.

“I love these things,” she had giggled, pushing her hair behind her ears and pulling a few quarters out of her pocket. “Well, my mom loves these things.”

“Shocker,” Jess had muttered, leaning his arm on top of the gumball machine.

“Some of them are funny!” Rory had turned to look at him, her lower lip stuck out in a feeble attempt to get him on board with the sticker quest.

“I’m not saying anything!” Jess held his hands up in mock-innocence. “Get your sticker, I’m not judging.”

Rory rolled her eyes and turned back to the machine, cranking the dial around and catching the sheet of paper the sticker was on as it came sliding out.

“Oh my God, this is perfect!” her eyes lit up with glee. 

“What is it?”

Rory pressed it against her chest. “Uh uh, nope. This one is for you and I know  _ just _ where I’m putting it!”

“Rory,” Jess’ tone had a note of warning in it, but she was already out the door and headed towards the parking lot. Towards his  _ car _ . “Rory, you better not put that on the back of my car!”

“Fine,” Rory sighed, stopping at the passenger door. “Whatever. I guess you don’t get this super cool sticker.”

“I’ll find a way to go on.”

Rory stuck out her tongue and they both climbed in the car and Jess had hoped that would be the end of it. But it never was with Rory, was it?

They were 5 minutes away from Stars Hollow, having a lively discussion over the probability of Area 51 (Jess was for, Rory against), when Rory stretched her arms up over her head and gave a loud, theatrical yawn. Jess didn’t think much of it until he heard Rory’s open palm thump against the roof of his car.

“What are you doing?” he said suspiciously.

“Oh,” Rory slowly drew her arm back. “Just a little payback for when you totalled my car that time.”

“An accident!” Jess rolled his eyes, trying to see what Rory had done. They had had this argument a dozen times, neither one ever getting angry; just laughing over how big of a deal it had all seemed at the time. “Seriously, what did you do?”

He pulled his car into the space in front of the diner, turned around and saw….a Hello Kitty sticker. Not just any Hello Kitty sticker; this one was black and white and Hello Kitty was….flipping him the bird? Rory was dissolving into giggles at this point.

“It’s perfect, isn’t it?” she finally managed to gasp out. “Tough and cute, just like you.”

Now, if it had been anyone else, Jess would’ve gone ballistic. But Rory was leaning against the window, weak with laughter, wearing the world’s biggest and brightest smile and Jess  _ couldn’t  _ go ballistic. It was almost impossible for him to get mad at her and he was surprised to find himself cracking a grin. It  _ was  _ sort of funny, in a way. Pretty soon, he let out a snort, Rory started giggling again, and then they were both laughing like crazy, holding onto each other’s arms, as if they would be swept away on a sea of their own mirth.

And now, here Jess was, in the same place, in the same car; just missing the girl and the peals of laughter. The sticker was a little faded and wrinkled. Jess ran his fingers over it lightly.  _ I should rip it off, right? I mean, I can’t leave it there _ . He studied it for a few seconds, then let his hand drop back to his side.  _ Ah, I’ll leave it alone for now _ .

He dreamed about her that night. It had been so real, too. At one point, he could’ve sworn he saw her face staring back at him from the other side of the glass. But it was just a dream, right? It had always been just a dream.


	7. Words

Rory hated the way she was feeling right now, a queasy mix of anticipation, dread, and caffeine-induced jitters. It was like everything was going too fast and too slow at the same time, like she was looking at the world from the other side of a smudged window. It was all his fault. 

She and her mom had been walking down the street, enjoying some much-needed hot chocolate after a stressful Friday Night Dinner, when she froze. _ It can’t be there, can it? I’m imagining things _ . But as she slowly started walking towards the rustbucket that Jess had used as transportation, she became more and more convinced of its reality.  _ His car is here, so where is he? _

She almost regretted asking that question because, a few steps closer and a split-second later, there he was, asleep in the backseat. And, in another split-second, Rory felt like the world was caving in on her.

Lorelai had joined her, they had a quick, stressful conversation about Jess and if Luke knew he was there and what was he  _ doing _ here, and then Lorelai shuffled her off, telling her to head on home, that she would take care of things. Rory, allowing herself to be shuffled off, walked slowly towards home, her mind working double-time, trying to reason out why Jess might be here.  _ He probably left something at Luke’s that he needs. Or maybe he needs money? No, he’s too proud, he would never ask _ . As she entered her house, kicking off her shoes and flicking on lights, she allowed herself one vain thought that had been floating around the periphery of her mind:  _ Is it me? Did he come here for me? _

She slept fitfully that night, tossing and turning, torn between wishing he would just go away and longing to hear a knock on her window, to see his smirking face on the other side of the glass.

The next morning, she and Lorelai just barely scratched the surface of the Jess Problem before Lane had wandered in and the day demanded to be started. Lorelai had work and it was up to Rory to find some way to occupy her thoughts.  _ He’ll be at Luke’s, right? So I should probably go to Weston’s for breakfast. That seems safe _ . But it looked like she and Jess still had that Vulcan mind-meld thing going on, because he was there, too. Of course, he left as soon as he laid eyes on her, acting as if he was the one with something to be angry about, as if he was the one who had been left behind with a hoodie, a book of poetry, and some scratches on a bridge.

She saw him again, this time in the bookstore. He left just as quickly as he had that morning. The queasy feeling in Rory’s stomach intensified. She hated that he had this affect on her still; one day back in town and she was already consumed with thoughts of him.

The next time she saw him, she was in line for food at the Firelight Festival. But this time, Jess didn’t run. So, she did. She ran through the array of booths, stopping and starting abruptly, trying to shake him off in any way she could think of, all while keeping up a shouted, childish dialogue with him.

But she couldn’t run forever and she didn’t  _ want _ to keep running. She wanted to turn and face her demons head on, to look Jess in the face and say, “You left, you screwed up, there’s nothing you can do to fix it, but hey, let’s hear your best excuse.” And that’s what she did say, plus a few more choice phrases. She thought she really had him there. She thought that finally, for once in her life, she had the upper hand. She was sure that nothing he could stutter out would surprise her. Of course, when it comes to Jess Mariano, you should never assume anything.

“I love you,” he said breathlessly, staring at her with desperation in his eyes, as if he knew this was a terrible idea, that it would only hurt them both again. They had always been good at that, hadn’t they?

Rory just stared at him wordlessly. She had expected a lot of things, but  _ love _ ? That had never crossed her mind. She hadn’t dared to hope. She knew that her face was stony and impassive, not giving anything away; she had learned that from Jess. And this time, Jess was playing her role, an emotional, open declaration on his lips and every emotion he felt flashing in his eyes. Rory took a twisted pleasure in knowing that Jess finally knew what it felt like to open yourself up completely to someone who refused to even crack the door.

He left. Again. Rory didn’t really blame him this time, though. What else could he have done? He waited for her to say something, anything, back….and she didn’t. Was he supposed to just stay there, both of them rooted to the ground, waiting for her to summon up an answer that would explain how she felt?

This time, there were no moments of discovery, of Rory finding little things he had left, of memories leaking from the cracks of Stars Hollow. His disappearance had a definiteness, a finality that the first one had lacked. All he had left her with this time were his words: I love you.

_ Figures _ , Rory thought bitterly.  _ He finally leaves me with something intangible and it still takes up more space than any book or jacket ever could.  _


	8. a broken heart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just wanted to thank everyone for reading, commenting, and giving me kudos! I'm really enjoying writing this story!

Sounds cliche, right?  _ I gave her everything I had and all she left me with was a broken heart!  _ It was like a Johnny Cash song or something and, while Jess could appreciate the Man in Black, he wasn’t much for living out country songs. 

In a way, it was his own damn fault. He was the one who had screwed everything up with Rory in the first place, he was the one who had thrown “I love you” into the equation, and he was the one who had turned around and left again. Maybe he had thought that she’d hear those three magic words and melt into his arms and everything would be a fairy tale. That’s what the movies had told him, anyways. And talk of love had always made Rory starry-eyed.

“I know you always say it’s none of my business,” Jess had said as he wiped down tables in the diner, getting ready to kick Rory out and close up for the night. “But why are you with Wonder Boy again? I mean, I know it can’t be for the intellectual stimulation he provides.”

“Hey, Dean is very smart!” Rory had abandoned the homework she had been diligently working on before Jess had come along and distracted her and was now glaring at him.

“Yesterday on our History test, one of the questions was to describe the Roman household.” Jess plopped down in the chair opposite Rory, excited to deliver this perfect punchline. “Dean drew a picture of a little house and wrote ‘had lots of columns’ next to it.”

Rory was trying her damndest not to laugh, but Jess could see her nose twitch and he knew they were about 5 seconds from the classic Gilmore giggle fits.  _ And in 3, 2, 1…. _

“Oh my God,” Rory laughed out loud, a hand over her mouth. “You’re making that up. He didn’t!”

“He did!” Jess was laughing now, too. “Ask him about it!” He waited until Rory’s snickers had died down before coming back to the topic at hand. “So, again, I ask: why him?”

Rory shrugged helplessly. “He loves me. And I love him.”

“And that’s it?”

“That’s all there needs to be.”

At the time, Jess hadn’t understood. Hell, he still wasn’t sure he understood. But at least now he knew about love, about the terrible hold it could have on a person, about the powerlessness you felt when trying to pull away from it. Jess loved Rory and he thought by telling her that, she would love him back. She would forgive everything because he loved her and she loved him and “sometimes that’s all there needs to be.” But this wasn’t a John Hughes movie, no matter how Bender-like Jess might be. Rory didn’t love him. Ever since that night, he had been repeating that phrase in his head like a mantra:  _ she doesn’t love me, she doesn’t love me, she doesn’t love me _ . It was making him insane. Insane enough to actually show up in Stars Hollow for Liz’s wedding. Sure, it was important to Luke and Jess wanted to do something nice for the guy, but he also wanted to come back to the scene of the crime. He had the crazy, impossible wish to rewind the tape and go back to the street where he had laid it all out on the line. He could do it all differently, could convince Rory that they belonged to each other in a way that no one else ever would.

“Do you really believe all that written-in-the-stars, one-true-love mumbo jumbo?” Jess was sitting across from Rory, still interrogating her about Dean. “I mean, it’s a little trite, don’t you think?”

“It’s nice!” Rory admonished him. “And it has to be true. If it wasn’t, why would they write all the books and the songs and the poems?”

“‘Cause it’s easy to make money off sappy suckers?”

“Jess!”

“Hey, capitalism makes the world go ‘round.”

“Come on,” Rory groaned. “You  _ have _ to believe in true love.”

_ Oh, Rory, I do now, I believe in it with every beat of my heart, but I think maybe you don’t believe anymore, I think you’ve forgotten the lightning that struck us both the first time we laid eyes on each other because you look at me like I’m a stranger, like I don’t fit with you like a lock and key. You don’t believe anymore and it’s killing me. _

Jess hated being in Stars Hollow but he knew he would always have to come back to this place, if not just to see Luke. As much as he hated the sleepy streets, he had to walk them, had to retrace the steps of his adolescence and see where he had gone wrong.

_ All the little things she left behind _ , Jess thought ruefully.  _ All those things I eventually got rid of….and now she’s delivered the final blow. Because I can run as fast and far as I can, I can throw everything I own into the Grand Canyon, but I will never be able to fix this stupid, cracked-in-half heart she has left me with. _


	9. everything in boxes

Rory liked to think that she was a good person, someone who followed rules and observed social niceties. So why was she spending so much time with Dean, her now-married ex-boyfriend? She let herself think that it was written in the stars, that she and Dean were meant to be together and fate was stepping in for them, but deep in her heart, she knew that she was doing something wrong. She was The Other Woman, no matter how positively she tried to spin it. 

She had spent most of today packing, save for the final she had taken that morning. As she shoved books and pairs of shoes into boxes, she found herself thinking of her ex-boyfriend; not Dean, but Jess. Lorelai had called her the day before to tell her that she had seen Jess and to inquire about the protocol for what she should report to Rory when she saw Jess, et cetera, et cetera. Rory brushed it off, playing it cool and disinterested, but her curiosity was piqued. Jess at a wedding? Jess walking his mom down the aisle? It was so out of character that Rory was tempted to drive to Stars Hollow and make sure there wasn’t an Invasion of the Body Snatchers-type scenario going on.

She was still thinking about him at the bar, on that disastrous date her grandmother had set her up on and, when she flipped her phone open to call someone to pick her up, she half-wished that she had his phone number, that she could call him up like it was nothing, that he would come and bring her home. She had wished a lot of things for her and Jess.

She ended up calling Dean. As she punched in his number, she knew it was a mistake and that it could only lead to trouble, but she couldn’t help herself. Dean came, like she knew he would. They had dinner, they laughed and talked like no time had passed since high school and when he walked her to the door of her room, Rory wouldn’t have been surprised if he had kissed her good night.

Of course, that would have been totally inappropriate and wrong. In addition to that, Jess’ arrival sort of put a damper on things.

Rory didn’t even know how he knew where she lived; she doubted Luke had told him. But he was here now and demanding to talk to her, fire in his eyes and fists clenched at his side, and Rory….Rory wanted it. She wanted the fight and the anger and the apologies and the drama that he would inevitably bring into her life. She wanted the past back, and not the idyllic past Dean was able to conjure up for her with his very presence. She wanted Jess.

“Rory?” Dean was looking at her, silently begging her to let him pound Jess into the ground and choose  _ him _ , damn it, for once, just choose  _ him _ and it was all so familiar. Rory felt like she was 16 again, but everything was different now.  _ They _ were different now.

“Go,” she ran a hand through her hair, making the same choice she always did. The choice she had to make. “Go home.”

“No,” Dean scoffed, ready to stay and fight this time, but he had to know that there was nothing he could do to change the past. He was married. There was no rewrite for that.

“Yes, go, you should go.” Rory was pleading, trying to let him know that this was so much more than a simple choice between good guy and bad boy, trying to let him escape with a little dignity.

He looked at her, disappointment in his eyes, but he stormed off, shoving the doors open and leaving her behind.

“Why won’t you leave me alone? You won’t go away!” Rory turned to Jess now, ready for the fire and fury.

“Rory-”

“What do you want?”

“I don’t know, I just….wanted to see you, talk to you. I just….” he trailed off, looking at the ground.

“What?” Against her better judgement, Rory was intrigued. Jess had always had this effect on her. Still waters run deep, and Jess was as still as it gets.

“Come with me.” he finally said. Simple. Easy. No impassioned pleas, no begging on bended knee. Just three words and a little bit of hope.

“What?” Rory was stalling for time, trying to make sense out of this new piece of the puzzle.

“Come with me.”

“Where?”

“I don’t know!” Jess waved his arm ambiguously through the air. “Away!”

“Are you crazy?”

“Probably!” he admitted and Rory was tempted to laugh. “Do it, come with me! Don’t think about it!”

“I can’t do that!” Rory rolled her eyes, turning around and pushing her door open. Jess followed her inside.

“You don’t think you can do it, but you can, you can do whatever you want!”

“It’s not what I want!” Rory yelled, trying to drown out his voice and the loud thumping of her heart. She wanted to believe that she didn’t want to run away with him but a part of her was already throwing a toothbrush and  _ The Fountainhead _ into a bag and jumping into his arms.

“It is, I know you!” Jess’ tone was a mix between frustration and desperation and Rory could see how badly he wanted this written all over his face.  _ He missed me _ , she thought suddenly.  _ He missed me so much and it’s broken his heart _ .

“You don’t know me,” she blurted out but she knew it was a lie as soon as it left her lips. Jess, not knowing her? That was like saying the sky was green, that up was down, that her mom hated coffee. A denial of a simple law of nature. No matter where they were, no matter how many years had gone by, Jess would always know her and she would always know him.

“We’ll-we’ll go to New York, we’ll work, we’ll live together, we’ll  _ be _ together, it’s what I want! It’s what you want, too!” He was grasping at straws now, trying to find that magic combination of words that would get her to say yes. 

“No,” Rory was overwhelmed by this, by him, by everything that had happened that night. No seemed like a safe choice.

“Look, I wanna be with you but,” Jess glanced out the window, taking in the old brick buildings and ivy-covered walls. “Not here, not this place, not Stars Hollow. We have to start new!”

“There’s nothing to start!”  _ Because it never ended _ , Rory wanted to add.

“You’re packed, your stuff is all in boxes, it’s perfect! You’re ready,” Jess’ voice cracked. “And I’m ready. I’m ready for this! I know you couldn’t count on me before, but you  _ can _ now, you can!”

“No,” Rory repeated, but it was weaker, not so filled with sadness and exasperation.

“You know we’re supposed to be together,” Jess had grabbed her hand, pulling her towards him, trying to get her to meet his eyes. “I knew it the first time I saw you two  _ years _ ago, and you know it, too. I  _ know _ you do.” He wasn’t angry anymore; just resigned, as if he knew that, no matter how many cliches and aces he pulled out of his pocket, there was nothing he could do.

Rory knew he was telling the truth. Jess had always been sure that they belonged together, like two halves of a whole, like a lock and key. It had taken Rory longer to realize it, but she knew now. Even after they broke up, she knew that there was no one else on this planet that would match the connection she had with Jess.

“No,” Rory’s voice was shaky. “No, no, no, no.” She was filling the room with her dismissal, trying to drown out her heart’s scream of  _ yes, yes, I’ll go with you, we’ll be different people, we’ll get things right this time _ .

“Don’t say no just to make me stop talking or make me go away,” Jess looked more lost and scared than Rory had ever seen him. “Only say no if you really don’t wanna be with me.”

Rory stopped. She stopped her waving hands, her mile-a-minute mouth, and her ordered, sensible thoughts. She looked at Jess. She looked at the boxes filling her living room. And she thought about what she wanted, what would make her happy. So much of her life had been filled with doing “the right thing,” and Rory was tired of it. She wanted to let her heart take the lead, to follow paths that her grandmother would despair of and her mom would cheer for. She wanted something different than what she had now.

Jess hadn’t said anything and Rory was glad. She couldn’t take much more of his yelling or the tidal wave of love he poured all over her. She looked at him again and God, there was so much love in his eyes. He wanted her, wanted the fights and the books and the dumb jokes and the yelling and everything in between. She wanted it all, too. They were, if not on the same page, at least the same chapter.

Rory closed her eyes. Took a deep breath. Opened her eyes.

“Ask me again.”

“What?” Jess looked dumbstruck. He obviously hadn’t seen this coming, but Rory figured it was high time she threw him for a loop or two.

“Ask me again.”

“Rory,” Jess said slowly, looking at her incredulously. “Will you come with me?”

“Yes.”

Jess wordlessly held out his hand and when Rory twined their fingers together, it was the most natural feeling in the world. They left her dorm hand in hand, ready for whatever was sure to be thrown their way.

Rory didn’t worry about leaving her boxes behind. Somehow, it just didn’t seem important.


	10. the past

As quiet as Jess was, he was not typically one to be lost for words. No matter what life threw at him, he managed to whip up a snippy comeback or a sarcastic joke to dismiss whatever situation he found himself in. He might have been a pro at finding the right words, but he would never have been able to respond properly to Rory’s half-whispered “Yes.” Not in a million years.

He hadn’t said anything, not trusting himself to speak. He just held his hand out and when she took it, he could have sworn he felt sparks. They walked silently out of her building and got in his car. Jess didn’t start the engine right away, trying to give Rory a chance to change her mind if she needed to.

“You remember how to drive, right?” Rory was looking at him curiously, her brow furrowed. “Key in ignition, turn it, engine makes loud noise? Ring any bells?”

“I know how to drive,” Jess raised an eyebrow at her. “Just wanted to give you a little….time.”

“For what?”

“You know what.”

“Jess,” Rory put her hand on top of his and turned those big, blue Bambi eyes on him. “I don’t need time, okay? I know what I’m doing. And, hey: if I decide I want out, I’ll just go home. New York isn’t that far away.”

“Already thinking of contingency plans, huh?”

“You know me,” Rory grinned. “Always thinking two steps ahead.”

“So we’re doing this.” Jess didn’t phrase it as a question, but his inquiry hung heavy in the air.

“Jess Mariano, if you don’t start this car in the next 10 seconds, I’m going to call Luke and tell him you’re a crack dealer and then he’ll  _ never _ leave you alone again.”

“Oof,” Jess winced, a small smile on his face. “You’re out of practice, Gilmore. That threat was as weak as the coffee at Weston’s.”

Rory gasped, a hand flying to her heart. “That is not the kind of thing you say to the girl that you just barely managed to convince to run away with you! You should be worshipping the ground I walk on! Tossing flower petals around! Giving me an unlimited supply of coffee!”

“Give me a day or two,” Jess started the car, a full-on smirk on his face. “I’m sure I can rustle up some rose petals and a few dozen cups of coffee.”

Jess pulled the car out of the parking lot and started to navigate the twisting driveways of Yale. He had been so afraid to come here, so afraid to ask Rory to give him another chance, and now here they were, sitting in his car and cracking jokes like not a day had passed since they were seventeen.

Rory made it about an hour and a half before falling asleep, legs tucked underneath her with one hand firmly holding Jess’ own. As they passed signs announcing their impending arrival in the state of New York, Jess glanced over at her.  _ God, she’s beautiful _ .

Jess had made a lot of mistakes in the short time he had been on this earth. He had hurt people, he had pushed them away, and he had rejected the idea that anyone could truly love him for himself. His past was dark and messy and full of regrets. Except for Rory. Rory was the one thing he had had that lit up his life, that made everything else fall away. He had lost her. He had found her. He got her back. A miracle of the first order, wouldn’t you say?

Rory started to stir once they got closer to the city and she managed to be fully awake for the drive over the Brooklyn Bridge.

“I love seeing all the buildings, you know, with the sun behind them?” she had her face pressed against the glass, watching the sunrise. “It looks like a postcard.”

“Yeah, pretty spectacular,” Jess smiled. He wasn’t looking at the sunrise, but at the beautiful girl riding shotgun with the first rays of sun lighting up her eyes.

As they crossed the bridge, Jess felt like he was leaving everything that had held him down before behind. All the anger, all the hurt, all the confusion; he was leaving it behind. He was going to have a new life now and there was no room for his past.

“It’s gonna be good,” he said suddenly, causing Rory to turn her head and meet his eyes. “This? It’s gonna be good.”

“I know it will,” she smiled and took his hand again, squeezing it lightly.

They drove into the city with light hearts, ready to start their new chapter. Jess smiled at Rory again before turning his eyes back to the road.  _ It’s high time we get the ending we deserve _ .

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and that's the end! thank you to everyone who read, commented, or gave kudos to this story; it really means the world to me! I'm about to start working on my next fic so, if you liked this one, keep an eye out for my next story! thanks again :)


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